| Personal Stories |
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Two Sides of the Same Love Story
Anna & Dan, Burbank
Marriage Can Mean What You Want it To
When I compare my relationship to others, I feel relieved, ecstatic, and proud. I also feel tired.
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Anna and Dan
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While my family hasn’t disowned me and I haven’t really been treated badly, this relationship has been hard. My husband was first my girlfriend. “Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend.” Then he was my boyfriend. “Hey everyone, my girlfriend is going by a boy’s name and is now a ‘he.’” There has always been negotiating involved in my relationship. Should I expect less? Which family member can I hold my partner’s hand around? Much of the past 5+ years has been about bending over backwards to try to make other people feel comfortable—and usually at the expense of my partner and our relationship. So while I am happy and determined, I just wish it could be easier sometimes.
I started considering marriage as an option about 3 years into my relationship with Dan. I finally stopped feeling terrified (mostly) and realized that marriage didn’t have to be anything I didn’t want it to be. I wanted marriage for lots of reasons—love, public commitment, security. In order for us to have a true partnership in life we needed to know that when it came to children, hospitalization, long term financial security, and death, the rug of our long term commitment to each other wouldn’t be pulled out from under us.
To me, marriage means official commitment to the long term. It means sharing almost everything—families, financial plans, baggage. It means power—agreed upon shared power to affect each other’s lives. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I need acceptance and normalcy. Society’s and my family’s opinions do matter to me. To me marriage is a statement of how seriously I take my relationship with my partner that is just as much about family and community validation as it is about being in love.
Burning Love (and Cardigans)
Anna proposed to me and I said yes. I looooove telling the story. She set up a beautiful candlelit dinner for us in our friend’s backyard, blindfolded me and drove me over there. I was so nervous when we arrived and I realized that this was it!! Dinner was fantastic. We had three desserts (by now she's familiar with my sweet tooth). She read me a little something she wrote and then popped the question! after I said yes, her cardigan caught fire during our kiss. one of two minor fires that evening! It’s such a cute story. My wife is a total sweetie pants.
After I would tell it to my mom or my sister or one of my friends, the questions would come: "So you guys are getting married? Really? Can you do that? But is that legal??" They were all expecting something different, something less, something with an awkward, non-traditional name, something without the weight and significance of MARRIAGE!
I would go into the confusing non-existence of people like me and relationships like ours in the legal system. This lack of security or clarity worries me. Yes, because I have sort of completed a legal change of gender, my wife and I have a California marriage license. At least here, our relationship is recognized and means something.
But this is all contingent on my legal gender, which isn’t clearly defined, especially since I’m a trans person who isn’t pursuing surgery of any kind. What if something happens and people don’t believe that I’m Anna’s husband? I love having some legal protections in California, but what if we leave the state? Even if just for a camping trip? Both of our families are far away, in New York, Delaware, and Tennessee. We’d like to move closer so our kids can know their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, but what would that mean for our family? I don’t want to live in fear of something that could happen at any time that could take our kids away, separate us during a tragedy, or force us into MORE humiliating conversations in hospitals, at the DMV, or in government offices. I feel like we’re walking on eggshells hoping none of them will break.
One of the things that shocks me as a married trans person is how easy it has been to get the benefits of marriage, and how nicely we’re treated. We have now opened a bank account together, added each other to insurance, credit cards, all sorts of great, mundane stuff as each other’s spouses, and never once did we have to PROVE that we’re married. The legal part, the actual certificate, for all the fuss everyone makes of it, is not seemingly necessary. I’ve never shown anyone the piece of paper they gave us. I’ve never even faxed anyone a copy. We just say we’re married, and people accept it. We don’t even have the same last name! It’s totally just a convention. The law doesn’t even come into play. Based on us looking like a straight couple we’re allowed to say we’re married and get all the benefits thereof. That’s weird to me. Especially after thinking for most of my life that I couldn’t be married, it seems like it shouldn’t be this easy.
Date Created: 2/22/2008
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